Future clothing

My clothes don’t do enough for me. All they do is cover my occlusive parts and keep me warm. And they don’t even do that right, because in the summer I am too warm. My clothes are dimwits. I want smarter clothes.

I have great expectations for clothes of the future. I want my clothes to keep me at the perfect temperature all day. I want my clothes to tickle me when I am sad. My clothes should sense danger and electrically stimulate my leg muscles so I run away before I even know what the problem is.

I want a cellular phone built into the head cover, so I have a way to insult gullible morons to their face without fear of retribution.

Me: You’re the most gullible imbecile I have ever met.
Moron: Huh? What did you call me?
Me: Shhh! I am on the phone
Moron: Oh, sorry.

What sadistic pleasure!

I want my clothes to have a stealth technology so I can avoid all the people who ask for my help. I want stealth technology that is so good, I can walk into a car dealer’s lot carrying a tub full of cash and not draw any attention. I want to absorb radar, so that I can speed without getting caught. I want to sneeze on the buffet and blame the guy behind me.

I want clothes that have a nonstick surface so food stains slide off. I want clothes than can be cleaned by taking them outside and shaking them vigorously.

The clothes of the future will create some new risks. They will be so valuable that muggers will steal your clothes and leave your wallet. Crooks will be frolicking around town in your jump suit making long distance longs with the built-in-phone while you are hiding naked in an alley. And you won’t be able to find help, because the other pedestrians will have the stealth feature of their own clothes turned on so people like you cant locate them.

It won’t be necessarily be a good thing to be the first person in your town to have the clothes of the future. For example, if someone wants to use your phone, you’ll have to say no, because your only phone will be built into your clothes. If they insist, you will have to let them wear your jump suit. When you try to get your clothes back, they’ll turn on the stealth feature and disappear for days. Your friends will be taking joyrides in your jump suit, while you are sitting around the house, naked.

Thinking of the future, do you think we should make friends?