Gossip: It can save a girl’s life…

I really don’t know what I’d do without you. What would I do without you? What? said my friend Laila a month ago as she stood sobbing on my doorstep. And because she is one of the people I love the most in the world, I let her leak tears and make-up and goodness what else on my silk clad shoulder. I wouldn’t let anyone else do it. Not even me.

To comfort Laila, who had been betrayed by a two-timing boyfriend, I murmured wise sounding words that came from I don’t know where. The kind of sane things one never thinks to say to oneself, but which are readily available when there’s a friend in need. And you keep murmuring them until your friend is able to manage a small upwards tug of the corners of the mouth.

Friendship is really good for your health. And that’s not because this is something women "just know"; its now a matter of science.

Friendships between women are special, precious and mysterious. Often, men quite don’t understand them - which is why, some say, shows such as Alley Macbeal exist and why women’s friendships are often dismissed as frivolous or silly.

Male partnerships – Batman and Robin, Crick and Watson – do serious things like ridding the world of evil and making gigantic scientific discoveries. Women, meanwhile take soft-focus road trips, talk exhaustively about men over drink, lean over fences gossiping, get mushy over giant bars of chocolate and hug a lot.

Historically, the concerns of women wanting to talk about relationships and emotions were dismissed. Just because these things are important to women, men have made it their business to laugh at them or roll their eyes and say something like "you girls" in that indulgent way of theirs.

It’s that whole thing of "women gossip, men talk", isn’t it? And so you grow up thinking friendships are great, but aren’t that important – or second rate, somehow. I wish women were more proud of being women – of being emotional, girly, of having lots and lots of feelings to discuss and dissect, instead of thinking, we’re being silly to air them.

While men react alone to a stressful situation, women’s priority seems to seek out other females. When they engage in this "tending or befriending" – a term coined by Dr. Klein and Taylor – the chemical oxytocin is released, which counters stress and has a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men, because testosterone, which men produces in high levels when they are under stress, seems to reduce the effect of oxytocin. Oestrogen seems to enhance it.

Research says, not having close friends could be as bad for your health as an unhealthy lifestyle – smoking, drinking and eating too much saturated fat. The research study also looked at how women fared after experiencing personal tragedies. They discovered that those with strong friendships were more likely to get through the ordeal without experiencing any physical side effects than those who didn’t.

It’s a bit sad, then, that the first thing to fall by the wayside as we go about our busy lives is, so often, our friendships. We’re so geared to think we should be more like men in pursuit of good jobs, good money and having a man by the time we’re 30 that we forget to be girly and nourish the bit of us that needs friends.

Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women. That’s really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We need to have a relaxed space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they are with other women.
It’s a very healing experience.

This isn’t to say men’s friendships are any less significant than women’s. It’s not that female friendships are better or worse – they are just different. Women tend to have fewer but more intimate friends than men. They disclose more personal information to them. Men are more judicious about disclosing information that makes them vulnerable.

Men might scoff at some female friendships, but they recognize their power too, and are more likely to confide in female friends, than men. In a relationship, for example, the man will tend to turn to his partner for emotional support, while the woman will always turn towards her friends.

Although research suggests that men disclose more when they talk to women than when they talk to other men, it seems that disclosure is not something that men look in a friendship. They like the cut-and-thrust of banter and jokey one-up-manship most of the time. But when they have problems that make them vulnerable, they are more likely to discuss them with a woman.

Female friendships have always been special. They play an incredibly important role, providing a strong support network – as well as light relief – for women leading increasingly busy and demanding lives.

Perhaps men find our ability to talk openly about emotions and relationships a little intimidating. Or maybe they are just worried that we’re talking about them. Which, let’s face it, we might just be.

(I would like to dedicate this post to all my close girl friends, whose presence in my life made a big difference to me and made me what I am, today. Thanks won’t be enough guys, but you know what you mean to me. I am naming a few, but I have many more names in my mind.
1. Chelsia (my young age best friend, who never hesitated to share all those beautiful color pencils and erasers with me.)
2. Janet (my high school close friend, who helped me to learn the facts of life. She helped me to grow up, helped to see the world, tackle the situations.)
3. Shelly, Georgina, Richa, Ninette (my college crowd. I would not have been able to survive those five years in college, had I not known them. We helped each other in all ways and we loved doing it.)
4. Quosia (my work friend. Amazing, that we met as colleagues and landed up being as close as ever)
5. Ash, Yas (my virtual friends. Sounds amazing? Yes it is. Have not seen them, but they mean a lot to me. Today, if I have to share something, I think of them and they have helped me to get away from many odd situations.)
6. Laila (She is my world. She is a part of me. Nothing more to talk about her.)

I don’t have contact with some of the above mentioned names. But, they are close to my heart and will always remain so.)

(Thanks to:
Dr. Ruthellon Josselson: Author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and Women’s Friendships.
Dr. Laura Cousino Klein: Professor of Bio-Behavioral Health at Pennsylvania State University.
Dr. Shelly Taylor: Professor of Bio-Behavioral Health at Pennsylvania State University.
Ann Campbell: Author of A Mind of Her Own.
Claire Bayliss: Acting editor of New Woman magazine.)