Sandcastles

I envy children. As I look at them while they play by the shore, I feel this longing to be a child again. Life was much simpler then - all I cared about was why Tom chases Jerry and how to dress up my Barbie doll. Nothing could hurt me back then, but I grew up and life got complicated. I was supposed to go home, but I sat down and watched them build sandcastles instead.

Bringing out the child in me, I too made one. But then the waves came crashing towards my castle, causing it to gradually be washed away. Looking at it stirred something deep inside of me. It was just like us, slowly falling apart. The sun was setting and I shifted my gaze to the water. The sea was quiet and serene, soothing but at the same time depressing. As if it was pulling me back to remember all the things that I had struggled so hard to forget, or run away from. I tried to appreciate the scenery that was before me, but it only made me feel the emptiness inside of me.

I stood up and walked by the shore thinking of what happened the previous week. I heard the news that you were taking a leave. You were moving out of the town, out of the country on a new job. I was in a shaky state and hearing that you are leaving was the last thing that I needed.

I did not want my friends to think I was affected, so I acted nonchalantly as if it didn’t matter to me. I tried not making it obvious so as not to have my friends worry, but I was really disturbed. It was about two in the morning that time, and open coffee sachets surrounded me.

In front of me were mounds of scratch papers with countless equations in them. I pretended to study, but every now and then I caught myself staring into oblivion.

I tried to look for you the next day, but I was not successful. It’s frustrating because during the time when I wasn’t really sure when I wanted to see you, you were practically everywhere. But now that I really needed to find you, you were nowhere in sight. I decided to call your apartment and I almost cried when your voice mail said that you already left. I wasn’t even given the chance to talk to you before you left. I wasn’t given the chance to say goodbye.

I continued walking and decided to collect seashells. I told myself that if I would be able to see you again, I would fill an entire bottle with shells and give it to you. While doing this, it occurred to me that I asked for this, I prayed that you would just leave. My life was fine before I met you. Maybe my life wouldn’t have sunk so low and you would not have the power to hurt me like this. But now that you are leaving, it’s just the same. I’m still hurting. I ask myself, do I really want to break myself free from you? Or will I continue to hold on to the little hope that someday you will learn to appreciate me. It always ends up that I choose the latter.

The sun had already set and I could barely see what I was picking up. Still I continued to collect shells, not caring that I was damaging my French manicure, which took me so long to do the night before. All I had in mind was that I needed to fill the bottle I was holding. I don’t know why in spite of the fact that I cried my eyes out for weeks, I am still doing this. It’s as if all the pain you caused me was erased by the news that you are going away. It sucks that emotions could really betray you when you have set your mind on doing something, which you know, is the best for you. I recall the time when I tried to be angry with you, just to have a reason or motive to be able to forget you. I coped by telling how I felt to many people, that I was tired of being the fallback and that I would not be stupid anymore and wait for the day that I’ll be your priority. Then I realized that it was not them I was convincing of that I’m not so foolish anymore. I was actually convincing myself. I tried to tell myself that I am moving on. Who am I kidding?

As the waves crashed on my feet, I was also hit by a realization. I hate to admit it but shit, I am still in love with you.

As much of a cliché as it may sound, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I have loved you. I may be foolish to believe that it would last, but I will forever treasure the moments that I spent with you. It’s ironic how one thing, that was once full of bliss, now causes me unbearable agony. There were times when I blamed myself because maybe it was my fault why we drifted apart. I told myself that I shouldn’t have done this and that. My friends always tell me that you weren’t worth it. Maybe you weren’t, but it doesn’t change the fact that I miss you terribly.

When I was finally able to fill the bottle I headed back to where I had built my sandcastle. I came back just in time to see the very last of it getting washed away. I tried to save it but the water was just more powerful than I was. The castle was us, no longer existing as it was washed away by the waves. Again I sat down by the shore and gathered sand and I watched every grain slip slowly out of my hand. It reminded me of how you also slowly slipped out of my life. Before I knew it, you were gone. I looked at the bottle in my hand and even though my mind tells me the opposite, I knew why I wanted to give it to you.

Pathetic, but it would give me a reason to see you for one very last time. Tears welled up in my eyes, because I know that things would never be the way they used to be between us. All I have are memories to hold on to, for I do not have you anymore. No matter how many sandcastles I make, they would still be washed away. I hope it’s not too late to climb out of the deep abyss that I sank into. I pray that the like sand, the water could wash all my pain away.

I stood up, threw the bottle of sea shells into the sea and walked away, not looking back, bidding farewell to making sandcastles and looking forward to moving on with my life.