Virtual is for real.

My second semester exams were over and when everyone was holidaying, I was stuck at University, having opted for a special course on "budget preparations" which a big official from the World Bank conducted and as I am absolutely crazy about World Bank, I chose to attend. The officer was yet to arrive and I had 2 free weeks at hand. Too short to visit my parents, and too long to kill time, without many friends around.

July 2000.

*Yawn*

I am bored to death. Larry King stopped grabbing my interest a long time ago. All that seems like yap yap yap. I flipped through the channels. The same old boring stuff. They have 'Joyride' on HBO. Don't know why, but I always manage to catch that movie from the point where Rusty Nail dude starts harassing Paul Walker and Steve Zahn. Flip Flip Flip...Wait! Roll back, was that Ben Affleck'? No. Damn! Flip Flip Flip....

I scan my room and look at my computer. I try to divert my attention to something else. Did I tell you that I am an Internet addict? If not, let me introduce myself. I am 20 years old, an economics student, and lead a very happy life. Except, that is, for my extreme fascination for the "Net". (I mostly used the net to do nice things, like update myself on the economic models, read news online, teach myself more about music, and educate myself on different mythologies. But, at that point, during those 2 weeks, nothing was exciting me at all)

Finally I give in to my urge and decide to experiment with chat rooms. They seem to be really popular. After all, how many times have we read: I met my life-partner in a chat room, I met my soul-mate in a chat room so on and so forth. I don't need a partner, but maybe I will be able to find some remedy for this boredom or if things really click, a good friend. With such hopeful thoughts, I pick a popular Indian chat site.

I have to decide on a name first! What should it be: "boredtodeath", "boredtotears", "xyz"? No. They are boring handles and I suspect when someone logs into a chat room with a boring handle, they are put on virtual ignore. At least that is what I would do.

Something more interesting, something more appealing, something more feminine. Names? Naah. Flowers? Yes. Best bet! Okay, "redrose", "buds", "yellowlily", "pinktulips", "Daffodil"...YES! "Daffodil" it is.

[Daffodil has entered the chat room]
Chitter chatter chitter chatter

Someone: Daffodil, nice name!

I am on my way to greet fellow chatters when this huge flow of PM’s (personal messages) starts.

rajiv89 says 'a/s/l?
hotguy2000 says 'ready for a hot chat?

And there is this guy who seems to have lifted a ten-line paragraph from an erotic novel and sends it every two minutes.

There are approximately fifty users logged in and I get PM’ed by about twenty of them. Not one wants to chat in a decent way. Boy! Let me tell you. If you really crave male attention, I suggest you login with a real nice female name preferably that of a flower!

There were messages with people saying, Want a hot chat? Respond fast, I am at work. What the hell? So is this what some people do at work in India? What happened to Internet monitoring? All the while I keep closing the windows that seem to pop up relentlessly. A few guys are even angry that I don't respond. They say 'You have to respond. I know you will.’ Why?

In the main window, I see some people trying to strike up a meaningful conversation despite all the hidden private chaos. But none of those conversations seem interesting. The usual flirtations, a/s/l questions, "What's up", "So how's life" That is one question that bores me to death. I don't like being the one to break the sad news to a poor unsuspecting enthusiastic dude that life right now is very boring. I take a pass on that.

And then I hear this question. 'Are you a virgin?

I just avoid the question and move on but the guy keeps stalking me. So I say, "Yes" and then comes the million-dollar question:

"How come you are in Australia and still a virgin. Don't fool me now" And the other chatters follow: "Why?" "Don't you have a b/f" and all manner of other obscene questions!

At that point, I just close all the windows, hit the 'shut down' button, put my computer away and go to sleep thanking my stars that I am not out looking for a mate in this new, weird, techno-world where the dynamics of meeting people seem to have changed completely. No matter how many people deny it, the Net seems to have become the preferred medium to meet people/dates. I am glad I am not part of the scenario where nameless people ogle at a handle!

I hit the sack and slip into a deep slumber, even as I metaphorically kick myself for experimenting in the first place.

My heart went out to all those single people out there trying to strike a decent conversation with someone in a chat room intending to find his or her man or woman. My sympathies for them.

This was my concept of chat rooms, chat "friends" and chatting. Everything was indecent, fake, bogus and complete crap. The concept remained convincing until, after two years, when I was working in Dubai.

August 2002.

The other day Nida, a shy friend of mine, confides "I am in love".
I was, "Wowww!!! Who’s he? When can I meet him?"
She: "Uh! He's not from anywhere here. You see it may sound ridiculous but I met him online in a chat room. We haven’t met yet."
Me: "And you are in love?"
She: "Well am almost sure. I will know for sure when I meet him. See it sounds strange but... "
And her words trailed off, unsure how to explain a phenomenon that is very recent. And that set me thinking.

Can you really find a nice person in a chat room? Is it really ridiculous to love a person you haven’t met yet?

Thinking logically, in days bygone, there was predominantly only one concept in India—Arranged Marriage. You would marry someone who was chosen and approved by your family. After marriage you fell in love. This concept is the prevalent one even now in India. Well earlier, women were mostly not allowed to work. Hence only the neighbors and the elders she grew up with would know the real her. Also marriages would take place quite early and kids wouldn’t be mature enough to decide. Thus, arranged marriages evolved as the need of the hour. Proponents of this trend went to the extent of vehemently disapproving "love" marriages.

But doesn’t mate selection mean selecting your mate? Wouldn’t you be most concerned about whom you spend rest of your life with? Years passed and primarily because of their increased empowerment, women became an integral part of the work place. And with that increased the proportion of love marriages in the Indian community -- with or without the consent of elders. It is but natural and perfectly right. If you interact with a person for long hours you get to know that person better, hence you are better informed in deciding with whom you would be happiest. Over the past few years, slowly, love marriages between people working in the same office or studying in the same college have become just as much a norm as arranged marriage.

And now once again comes yet another forum into the picture--Internet and chat rooms.

In a chat room, you do not see the other person, but you get to know the other person a lot. You try and meet like-minded persons so you can enjoy some good conversation. Many in chat rooms are out to meet new people, listen to different thoughts, and even make friends. Some are also in it to find life partners.

If your conversation lasts even one interesting hour, you know you are going to talk more and you do just that. Despite not meeting the other person physically, you get to know about his/her convictions, values, strengths, and worries. Yes, many are concerned about putting their best foot forward and many are likely to fool others. But I have noticed that this happens only when you are new to this phenomenon. Later you yourself get bored of fooling others. After all you really cannot see if the other person squirmed. But mostly people speak the truth. They want to reach out and share their thoughts or worries or happiness, which they might not be able to do otherwise for one reason or other.

All of it to be taken with a strict assumption that there exists decent people, who visits the chat rooms, defying my past experience.

For Nida, on that day she had entered the chat-room for a lark. Looking at all the id’s she was lost in thought about these anonymous persons who had made their identities in the virtual world. She could recognize a few id’s from the last time she had visited that room. There was this ‘proudly_indian’ who was probably a bald guy with a great sense of humor, no gf (girl friend), and who probably was a student. No, Nida had never talked to him. But his profile on MSN says he sleeps on the couch, cooks for himself, and watches girls but doesn’t listen to them. Surefire signs he doesn’t have a gf. With an id like proudly_indian he was located in the USA and didn’t miss the irony of it.

Suddenly, TENANG! A window popped up on her screen with a guy saying hi to her!!! She got herself ready, to face those series of "usual" questions, starting with asl.

"Do you know me?" Nida asked.
"Yeah! I kno u a lil but wld kno more if u told me abt u." Pat came the reply.
She lol’ed (Laughed Out Loudly) in response. Now he knows how to strike up a conversation she thought. Within fifteen minutes they had established a great rapport.

The next day they talked for five hours at a stretch and in a few weeks she couldn’t believe a person thousands of miles away could almost read her mind. Know exactly the kind of emotions she had, even when she hadn’t written anything to that end. It just wasn’t possible.
And to top it he was everything she expected a guy to be – Witty yet not dumb, sensitive yet not a pity-party holder, principled but not obstinate and best of all, interested in her in a decent way!!!!!

And so the chats became the norm for the next three months. Every morning she would see her mailbox full with "good morning!" mails and in the evenings there would be "eat ur dinner on time and rem why you are here far away from your family" mails. And if mails were not enough, they would chat later during the day and share everything about each other- what he had for lunch, how she missed her father at night, and so on and so forth. And thus Nida knew more about his values, his desires, his fears, his regrets than anyone else ever did before. It just so happened that she could speak to him easily and he could listen and understand her very essence perfectly. Nida had decided that this had to be nothing else but love though it didn’t seem to be the way one fell in love (or did it?)

Perhaps it is the anonymity that chatting affords, that makes a person bold enough to talk about something that he would otherwise be ashamed of discussing. Perhaps it is the listening/understanding ear that makes a person strong enough not to fear talking about his worries. Nah! I think it’s probably both of the above. I guess exactly the same reasons why someone visits a support group.

Love is not just a convergence of thoughts and beliefs said Richa, a no nonsense friend of mine. According to her, there has to be some sort of sexual chemistry too, or else it is just not going to click. Well I am guessing here now, but is that why you would want to see how the other person looks physically? Listen to how she/he sounds? And finally meet in person to see the way he/she is in flesh and blood? A funny (or would that be sad) thing noticed by me is that people are reluctant to talk about love and sex in the same breath.

"I don’t know if I love her man! We get along very well but she’s not good looking and I am not attracted to her" would immediately frame you as a jerk and an idiot with no future. "Love is all about knowing the other person and liking him/her for what he/she is", says the world. And what is sex all about, if I might ask? All I get are incoherent ramblings either about the need to reproduce or bodily pleasure. And love is about respect. And thus the two don’t gel. But they do gel. More on this sometime later. Let us not digress any further.

Thus was the situation of Nida. I guess it’s about time we all agreed to accept chat-rooms as another and much better meeting ground than arranged-marriages, and accept it as norm, provided there is honesty.

The virtual reality certainly has some drawbacks. It isn't all gold that glitters. But this is the age of computers and when it has vastly enhanced how we learn and how we work, why should one be oblivious to the fact that it can, and has vastly improved how we make some of the crucial decisions of life? And wouldn’t one be a fool to ride in a bullock cart when one can travel using much faster modes of travel?